Behind You by Jacqueline Woodson

Author:Jacqueline Woodson [Woodson, Jacqueline]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin USA, Inc.
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Ellie

AT SCHOOL THERE WERE SIGNS EVERYWHERE—CHEERLEADING, debate team, track, soccer, chess club, reading group. I walked through the halls slowly, stopping to read each and every sign. Come join us, the signs seemed to beckon. Why in God’s name would anyone walk alone?

It was true—there were kids everywhere—talking, calling to each other, sharing notes and lunch and stories about their weekends. When the bell rang, the halls got loud and busy. The sounds swirled around me and over me as I walked, as though there were some kind of invisible thing covering me, keeping me just that far away from everyone. How could anyone ever get it?

In the classrooms, the teachers looked at me with soft, sad eyes. In the cafeteria, I turned to catch kids whispering as they looked in my direction.

I answered questions when called on. I waved to people who waved to me. I carried my books close to my chest and walked the halls alone. The noise that was Percy Academy became muted and distant and foreign. Who were these people?

Miah died in the winter. Spring came with lots of rain. Then crocuses in patches at playgrounds, narcissus in silver pots on windows, tulips at Easter time. Then it was summer. Then it was fall again.

I remember a day with lots of snow and me not getting out of bed. I remember the morning I slammed my fist into the mirror—the glass, the bleeding, the wanting to die. But the cuts were not deep and the mirror was replaced. I remember screaming. Lots and lots of screaming. And a rage so deep, some days I couldn’t stop shaking from it.

Somewhere inside of all of this, there was a funeral. There were rallies and news programs and politicians promising to protect young black men. There was a trial and two cops went to jail. Percy put up a plaque and the basketball team wore black bands around their arms.

And then there was less rage and a new hollowness. A pit of warm, dry air inside of me.

Then, for a long time, nothing at all.

Through it all, the seasons continued to change. Day fell into night. My mother did chores. Dogs barked and car horns honked. Everywhere in the city, there were people who had no clue about the pain.

At school I took my tests. Did my homework. Each quarter, the A’s on my report cards seemed to stumble over themselves. It was as if I was a grown-up coming back to school with all this new information. I had no friends. Everything and everyone seemed like it was part of a long-ago time—when I was young and free and living.

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